Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

i just found this in my phone

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works