My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!