My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious