My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My birth announcement for our third baby
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Batman v Dracula
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?