My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
When your man makes a valid point
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.