My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)