My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
