My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
