My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me too door. Me too.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
