Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?