Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Double negatives are never not confusing.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

She knows her part so well!

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.