Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]