My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
You Might Also Like
Happy Halloween 🎃
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
