Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears