Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I’m literally crying

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn