Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.