My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Multitask? I can barely unitask
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Human are so complicated
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Seems legit.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume