Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.