Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

look at me when i’m typing to you

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip