My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
tourist season
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
This one’s “Alex”.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.