My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
asking santa clause for nudes
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
This meal prepping shit easy
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast