Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Adultry does not sound fun at all

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.