My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Try and stop me.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?