My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.