Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

good let them take over I have had enough

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

I am patiently waiting for your email