My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
