My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.