my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option