my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan