My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.

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Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?


How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?


[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch


Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.


God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.


*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me


Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.