@SgtButtCheeks

My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.

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@theyearofelan

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

@MichaelTrying

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

@tweetsbyrocket

[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@sir_shithead_I

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

@AndyAsAdjective

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

@JPLFR80

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@themessednest

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.