My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
dream blunt rotation
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
me opening up to someone
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”