My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
You Might Also Like
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’M CRYINGGG
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.