My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
You Might Also Like
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”