My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I’m good, thanks.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”