My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH