My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.