My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I hate everything
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
