My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
True freaking story!
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
