My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
This is so wrong 😂
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
