My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.