My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
LOOOOOOL
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I’m sure it’s fine.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?