My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails