My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.