my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.