Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Blocked: 1985

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.