my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many