my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m not wrong
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
