Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

perfect

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

More like Kate Missington.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions