Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

I’m giving up for Lent.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird