My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.