My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.