My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I would like to think money won鈥檛 change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I wonder how many mini Reese鈥檚 cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I鈥檓 not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?