Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

My first son he is wonderful

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Delightful if true: booby trap.