My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Good morning
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.