My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off