My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You Might Also Like
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I missed you with all my darts
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes