Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing