My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
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kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Who chose this font
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-