My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
me after drinking all the wine:
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Probably my best painting.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?