My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.