Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

IT’S-A ME,

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad