Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord