My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
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I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo