My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Theirye’re” problem solved
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When I laugh on my period
No.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.