My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
A friend helps you before you need it
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses